Friday, November 2, 2007


Men are simply aliens. That’s right, women are human and men are from a far and distant planet that has yet to be discovered. Forget all that Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus bullshit. Men are aliens and there are concrete facts that have been identified and confirm this well-kept phenomenon. The most important being that their mothers are used as the portals by which these aliens are delivered to Earth.

Another well-known secret is that they speak a completely foreign tongue. Now it may sound like a familiar dialect, but in actuality it’s a highly devolved language that rarely translates to reflect what the male really means to say, but only what he thinks we want to hear. You only have to look to our most recent Presidents to confirm this fact. Who could forget Bill Clinton’s attempt to redefine the word “it,” and George W’s never-ending spins on his justification for going to war in Iraq. Sometimes this language barrier can even confuse those of their own alien race.

Now, I did not become aware of these facts until after I married my husband at the ripe old age of 36. Up until this time I’d been traversing the dating landscape blindly, stumbling in the dark trying to find my ideal mate. The last couple of years before I met my husband, I had somehow become the girl he dated, right before he met the woman who would become his wife. I’ve labeled this role-- the primer. I was the girlfriend who got the guy into the marrying mode. By the time these fateful pairings went belly-up, I’d molded most of these guys to appear to be picture-perfect boyfriends... potential husband material. They’d mastered the prerequisite skills including spending quality time with my friends and family; giving adequate gifts for birthdays, Christmas and Valentine’s Day; and finally, resisted running for the hills whenever I mentioned the ticking of my biological clock, yet despite all of this, I’d yet to find my way to seal the deal. These guys were all really great guys, but when it came time to shit or get off the pot, each one of them left me and went right into the arms of another, and I was left trying to figure out what was wrong with me. None of my sister friends, or my mother and aunts, sat me down to explain, that it wasn’t my fault, but I had not learn to decode this ancient alien behavior.

Well… it’s high time we remove this veil of secrecy and expose these extra-terrestrials cohabitating among us. Now, even though no one told me about this, there are millions of women around the globe who are aware of the male alien status and some of them have made conscious decisions not to engage in the time honored ritual of finding a male mate--- their known as Elective Lesbians. Yes, many women are born lesbians and have known since a very young age that they are attracted to girls and not boys, but within the lesbian community, there is a growing sect of women who have made an informed decision, after being kicked about in the dating scene, and have chosen to no longer participate in these mixed match pairings-- thus, elective lesbians. It’s just like the recent boon in elective plastic surgery. Those of us, who are hearty heterosexuals, cannot make this choice so easily, but God bless those who have made the switch. I first noticed this trend a few years after graduating from college. Some of the women who I was friendly with in college and with whom I shared crushes on a few of the guys, had sworn off men somewhere between graduate school and their first bona fide “grown-up” jobs. Maybe some of them had been faking it in college, but smart money says that more than a few of them just got sick of male/female duet and decided not to participate in the dance anymore--- or at least not with their alien counterparts.

As most women get older, we do become more adept in our dealings with the male species. But, these are often hard fought victories and lessons learned by old-fashioned trial and error. I think most women would make sounder choices in selecting a mate, if we knew earlier in the game, the truth about the other team.

The truth is, men and women are fundamentally different. Our overall make-up follows the basic principle of yin and yang. Women foolishly expect men to feel and see things the way we do--- BIG MISTAKE! The yin/yang principle is all about balance and if followed properly, male/female couplings should seek partners who compliment their ideal balance. This means that if you’re an extrovert, then Mr. Life of the Party may not be the right guy for you.

There are a few preventative measures women can take to navigate the demands of living with and loving an alien (especially if joining the Elective Lesbians is not an option.) The first being, recruiting the vessel of their deliverance to earth as your ally, or in other words, become friends with the man’s mother. This may be a bit challenging, but in the long run, dear ole’ mother-in-law can be your greatest asset and advocate. A man’s mother usually knows the man she raised better than any other person on earth and by developing an independent relationship with his mother, she will learn to look at you as a confidant, while providing you with invaluable insight as to how to understand your particular alien. All aliens may be created equal, yet it’s important to learn the operational quirks of your specific model. If your alien’s mother is no longer a part of his life, if she’s dearly departed or maybe simply too dysfunctional to employ as your alien navigator, then look for a reasonable facsimile with which your alien has a close and loving rapport and this does not include ex-girlfriends. It may include aunts, sisters, cousins, etc. The goal is to get someone from our Earth team, to give you the lowdown on your chosen mate from the alien team.

Another tried and true tactic of maintaining a meaningful relationship with this alien creature is learning to deconstruct the alien tongue. As stated earlier, despite its similarity to the languages we speak on Earth, the male language is nothing like ours. It’s rife with multiple definitions for the same word and oftentimes, what begins as an innocuous conversation morphs into an endless diatribe peppered with sports metaphors. While learning their alien tongue may be difficult, it is essential and can be achieved with practice. Other techniques include listening more and talking less; trying to participate in the conversation will only lead to frustration. While listening try to identify clues to what they’re really trying to say. For example, when you ask, “What would you like for dinner this evening?” and they listlessly respond, “whatever,” what they’re actually saying is, “I’m sick of your cooking, so let’s order take-out.” Don’t be offended; simply look at it as an opportunity to get out of the kitchen for the evening.

As we enter this age of enlightenment in understanding our alien male counterparts, hold onto these truths. Always trust your intuition in your dealings with the other species. Nine times out of ten, your gut will usually lead you in the right direction. Remember to take good care of your physical, as well as emotional well-being as you build a life with your alien, because you’ll need all your faculties in establishing a bi-species household; and finally, create a support circle with other women. An invaluable truism my mother did share and should have tipped me to the down low about the whole alien thing is that you should never look to a man for nurturing, most are incapable. That’s why girls should take the time and develop solid and supportive relationships with their girlfriends. My mother urged me never to dis my girls for a guy, because a great, genuine friendship with your girl will probably last far longer than most male/female romances.

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